Un-anniversary

In the Bible, 40 is a significant number, a way of saying "a very long time." From the 40 days in the ark, to 40 years wandering the wilderness on the way to the promised land, or the 40 days Jesus spent in the desert after his baptism, and thus the church's observance of 40 days of Lent, 40 is also understood as a time of testing and discerning in the midst of uncertainty. Just how long is this going to last? Am I/are we going to survive/get where we're going? Is God with us/me or not? 

Here it is the middle of the day and a glance at a calendar finally recognizes the significance of this date. 40 years ago, on April 20, 1968, was my wedding day. Today is a kind of un-anniversary, 21 years and 21 days after the date the judge's signature legally ended the marriage. Of course, one could argue that, psychologically and emotionally, the marriage ended long before then as well as long after the State declared dissolution. Is divorce an experience from which one can ever truly recover, completely heal?  The pain and anger have ebbed considerably. The person to whom I was married exists in a distant past. The place deep in my being containing my hurts and grievances has been sealed off from daily awareness in a vault built by love of family and friends, the hard work of counseling, and the confidence - most of the time - of God's faithful presence. Like Joseph, I can assert that God has created much good out of awful. 

As a nation, we've begun a year of the 40th anniversary  of communal hopes and dreams dashed - in the killings of MLK Jr and RFK, of unending war and protest, of competing candidates and disastrous conventions, of destructive riots and social rebellion. As a bride dealing withthe everyday details of learning to cook and keep house, to work and live in a different state and region, the events of that year were mostly headlines in the news. Much later I would read about the significant people and events of 1968 and think: I don't remember that. How did I miss that? How much will most people remember of this year in another 40 years? How much more wandering in the wilderness of fear and violence, injustice and inequality, oppression and bigotry must we do before we see much more than the occasional glimpse of the promised land that we call America?  

A toast then, on this personal un-anniversary: to Love, to Faith, and, especially, to Hope!